sleepless

i draw the curtains because it's much too bright to sleep in here much like a vampire without the blood-sucking part i work at night i move like a shadow i'm a sleepless creature of the night you might never get to see me but i'm sure you wouldn't like me anyway can't stand the sun it burns my eyes i'm uncomfortable in light i need the dark to feel alive i'm so comfortable at night these seem like dark words but that's not the way it's meant to be because i actually enjoy this sunless existence this loneliness this self-hatred this self-destruction and apathy you will never understand this because i never asked you to

NEW LYRICS

We still believe lyrics are as important as the music and hopefully you agree with us!

BROKE
I stare at your photograph, 
a bird's eye view of you.
You follow my every move
with those dizzying bedroom eyes.

I watch them close
as they explode.

You're blue in the face my dear.
An expression so blank, so low.
You can tell me what's haunting you.
I'm afraid you were born afraid.

You took my soul.
I kiss your feet.

So broke and I'm not saving you.
You break every day the same way.
So close I can almost taste you.
You close the box of memories.

I LEFT A NOTE
I built this life for you to keep,
only to bury it three feet deep.
I'm a superhero without powers
left to stare at empty hands.
I've never been a friend to you.

Did this start to fall apart
with lies and shallow promises?
When did this start to feel so dull?

Both in your room the other night,
instead of giving in, we fight.
I'm smoking on your windowsill,
blowing smoke into the rain.
It's raining flames inside your room.

I didn't want to say this,
so I left a note.

CHORE
I threw up my vocal chords,
my lungs are punctured
and it still took three long months
for these words to come out right.

You got that look in your eyes,
the one that tells me you're sick and fucking tired
of listening to me now.

Still there's no one else to talk to,
no one else to open up to.
Would you give me one last chance?

Either way I'm fucking lost.

Would you dare
or even care
if I told you everything's alright?

Take these words,
shove them away
and believe them any other day.

I tried to drown these thoughts
in alcohol, just put on a drunken smile
and the two of you looked tired.

I've lost all integrity
in a bottle of shame
and a million cigarettes.
I knew you'd give up on me.

There is nothing I could say to you
to convince you that these words are true
so I just pass out in front of you.

Oh I'm so fucking lost.

ACCIDENTAL
I've dusted for prints. 
I know who I am. 
I see fool's gold on the third.
I'll wear mine if you wear yours. 

We had an accident, 
our only common ground. 
It was a close call, a near miss
but we knew someone had to pick and choose. 

I picked you, you chose yourself. 
I still want you all the time. 
Our first kiss was your first disapproval. 
I want to talk about the fun we never had. 
I'll drink to us all by myself again. 

Unplug the cable, you're not home. 
I'll leave the lights on 
because one night you might just find your way. 

The list was long and blue. 
Baby, I'm blue.

HOSPITAL
I live in a hospital.
I'm so sick of being sick on a fine day.

I live in a hospital.
Cut me open and figure me out on a fine day.

I'm so tired of these walls.

I live in a hospital.
It's nice to meet my anesthetist on a fine day.

I live in a hospital.
I'm a stitch away from death on a fine day.

NURSE
I am gutless, emptied out. 
Water my insides, they've dried out. 
Will this ever taste the same again? 

Can you feel me crawl inside you? 

I breathe in glass, my lungs they itch. 
I swallow knives, my stomach's numb. 
I'm shitting blood. I cough up words. 

I nurse my drink. 
I'm buried in oblivion. 

I'm cut and dried. 
Handle me with care. 
I'm fiber glass. 

I can't fuck 
no matter how 
much I want you. 

Scratch all you want, 
I'm not walking away.

RISK
All is fair in love and war. 
Two of the things that we declare. 
Friendly fire, we're hangmen. 

Our bond is cynically unsound. 
We tied the knot for hate's sake. 
Guess, we never had a chance. 

Hey! Wait! 

I've awoken in your side of town. 
For some reason I felt down. 
Should we just kill each other now 
or should we converse without a sound? 

Corpsman, corpsmen, I am down. 
This war of words has raged for years. 
Our ever-after in the end. 

I'll strangle you with my bear hands. 
I always thought that they were strong. 
We're both fighting on your side. 

I capitulate, you amputate. 
I own my limbs, you own my heart. 
I fall back and you affront. 
I miss you more than peaceful sleep.

TOUR
Twenty angry men tell us we suck and curse our name
but this is what we do and twenty-five minutes is not that long.
I duck and see an empty bottle fly right by my head.
Everybody starts to laugh and they seem to have a good time.

This is only the second show and I already lost my voice.
There's nothing I can do about it and try to scream some more.
There's a pain inside my lungs that takes my breath away.
I light another cigarette once I get off this stage.

These are my words, this is my song
and they will always remain my own
wether you agree or not
is none of my concern.

We load the van at two a.m. and try to get some sleep.
It's nice to know that there's always a place to go home to.
The same old sleeping bag will keep me company tonight.
I wish I could be in her arms and stare at the moon light.

MICHELANGELO
I watch the water boil 
and raise the temperature. 
I hear you read out loud, 
I know your words so well. 

We keep alive and drift apart. 
We share our separate property. 
We live apart, we're paired for life. 
You used to be my favourite one. 

A stranger holds your hand. 
I did not invite him in. 
They both want me to sign. 
I put the kids to sleep. 

RAINMAKER
I'm a constellation trying to make out with you.
My eyes write a book on you that you will never read.

I try to concentrate
but it's just so hard with you around 
and so I stand in line and wait for you to show.

Twenty-five thousand words to make you see that I still care
but you never seem to have the time to hear me out.

I'm sleeping by the phone.
I'm waiting for you to come home.
I try to translate my feelings.
Can't you tell?

STEREO
I love this feeling over all. 
You're so wrong but you're so great. 
There's nothing I would rather do 
than spend my last days here with you. 

I love you more than you've been told. 
They told you I was misereable but 
you see me for who I am. 
I'm so glad I found a friend. 

Now the radio plays a song 
that's about us after all 
and we sit and listen to 
the sweet sounds on your stereo. 

I love you for what I can't be. 
My better half, I hope you see 
that I would kill to have you now. 
I miss you more than sleep these days. 

I'm on a marathon to you. 
I am so tired. Oh it's true, 
I wrote this song only for you. 
I hope you never forget that. 

PATIENT PATIENT
Remind me to remember you
when you come visit me.
You'll find me tucked in sterile sheets,
so white they blind your eyes.

I try hard to be patient.
I've been waiting for years.
Examination head to toe.
When will they cut me up?

What is my condition?
I had an accident.
Prescription only medicine.

I am trying to keep still
when I meet my anesthetist.
He injects sleeps into my veins.
Classical music, I drift off.

REST
You crossed out your eyes
in a blush of shame.
You had an itch to keep scratching.

A sweet-tempered personality
is always mournful.
Your cheeks blossom cherry-colored.

Complementary, out-dated
medicine,
so convenient and temporary.
Take a sample as an example for
the bullet resting in your skull.

Your expression's blue.
You're cold as smoke.
I can't help you out of your life.

My words are outdated and low.
I've spent to years on suicide watch.

Save this feeling!
I know you're strong.
Just hold on a few more days
and you'll be okay.

LESS GUTS
Sunday came without a weekend.
I'm hanging over.
I left my keys on her table.

Watch where you're going because
I'm with the walking dead.
I'm dying to et you know
I'm still alive.

And the phone rings every hour,
way too loud.
Leave me hanging from my rope.

Sweetheart, could you save this moment?
I'm begging you
please stop breaking my heart.

No more calls until I start
to live again.
I guess I'll see you next weekend.

SEATBELTS
My arms are broken and bruised.
We have an accident every night.
We crashed the car the same way again.
We share a punctured lung.

We're sleeping in our burning wreck.
Summer tires on winter nights.
I press my lips upon your scars.
I love you more than I did before.

Seatbelts are so useless and safe.
I look into your scared eyes.
A car crash is so pretty and vain.
I just hope to see you again.

We've died so many times before.
We crash the car forevermore.
There's piles of glass on the floor.
Our wounds they never start to heal.

We kiss in agony and pain.
This is our art, our obsession.
We spend our lives in hospitals.
I love you more than my own scars.

PRESENT
I see you shaped in dotted lines.
You waste your time and all of mine.
I cut you out and then I'll try
to fold you to a paper boat.

Your special present,
the one I'll only stare at.
Sits waiting on my door steps.
You wrapped it up nicely in regrets.

Your wounds they never start to heal.
You blind me with your sunless smile.
The rain and its one-hand clapping sound
will be the only applause you get.

MAKE A WISH AND IT'LL COME TRUE!

Something special happened to me the other day. I was on my way to record some vocal tracks and passed a man in ragged clothes playing his guitar and singing his songs outside in the bitter cold. I promised myself to always give needy people a few euros because I know that I would probably just waste them on cigarettes or booze and I'm certain that most of them need the money a lot more than I do. 

Anyway, I gave him a two-euro piece and expected a short “thank you” but instead he stopped playing and handed me a Cd of 33 of his songs. Since I know how fucking cruel the music business is, I gave him another five euros, which was all the money I had. He told me to make a wish and that it would come true. I thanked him and was on my way.

I believe it's easy to care and make people in need feel better, even if it's just for a while. Why nobody wants to share is a mystery to me. In our history, those who had a lot always treated those who had less like a disease and that is still a fact today. That's something I could never and will never understand. 

WHY AM I IN A BAND?

Since I grew up with punk rock and have always been desperately trying create something of my own, it was only natural for me to start my own band. I have been in more or less fifteen punk bands since the age of thirteen. 

  In my opinion, only an honest band is a fundamental band and somehow I get the feeling that most bands do not speak from their hearts anymore. So this is my heart speaking: With the music came the drinks I started to enjoy at a very young age. In fact most of the people I hung around with did and today me and most of my friends are still quite fucked up. If ever you have the impression that I'm being a jerk, I might just be drunk or hung-over, which is no excuse of course. I never mean to be a jerk because I believe that life is too short to put each other down. 

Somehow over the years I made a few mistake musically and I try to learn from them. For example, I thought it would be cool to play big fucking stages and open for mainstream acts. I got scared right away and felt I had sold my soul. I'm happy to be back in crappy bars and clubs without security pushing kids around. A show has always been an escape for me and during that time shows only freaked me out. I started to have panic attacks before every show. I simply can't do it anymore and if those things mean success, then I don't want any of it. What I want is, release as much records as I can, write as many songs as I can, be conscious and try not to lie to myself anymore. I simply don't have the time to sing and write about something I don't believe.

I DON'T NEED SECURITY (Lyrics & Explanations)

I've never felt less safe

at a punk rock show.

Me up on that stage

and security down below.

I never needed you

and I surely never will.

Think about it for a minute,

who would i feel more threatened by?

A bunch of angry kids jumping around

or a bunch of militant bouncers?

And why do you think kids are so angry?

Maybe because you keep pushing them around

for no reason at all!

Are you simply mad at the world?

Did you want to grow up to be a cop?

So who do i feel threatened by?

What you do for a living

is not a job,

it's a passion

and that makes you such a dangerous kind!

I don't need security!

The first violent encounter I had with a security guard goes quite a few years back. After a show, a bunch of my friends got into a drunken fist fight with some people. I heard about it a bit too late and got to the scene with my girlfriend and a few other people when security had already joined in on the action. I was drunk and got sick and tired and since I never believed in senseless and drunken fist fighting and could never hurt anyone even if they'd hurt me, I decided to punch a wall next to me. A bouncer, standing behind me saw me and knocked me out with a single hit on the back of my head. I was passed out next to my girlfriend for no reason at all. I spent all night in a hospital (I was released at 6 a.m.) because of a concussion and a sprained thumb. 

Since most of the bouncers are the same people that start fights in their free time (this explains the lines What you do for a living is not a job, it's a passion and that makes you such a dangerous kind!), I don't want security controlling my shows. 

I got in a lot of fights with security and I can't really explain why. It might be my lack of respect for their brutality and injustice, I don't know, they might just not like my face. I guess that's why a few weeks ago I got kicked out of my friend's bar, by my friend's own bouncers. There is nothing I can or want to do about it because I never asked to be controlled!

FEBRUARY SMILES (Lyrics & Explanations)

There is comfort in these words.

I'm hardly listening.

Sleep hides in a pill.

Winter kills all smiles.

There's white walls all around me.

It's been three months now.

I'm shaking.

I grab a pen,

I'm afraid to write.

I'm sinking.

Buy me a drink

and I'll be your friend.

A therapy for my head.

I'm hardly breathing.

How many times can you die?

A gray cloud without rain

won't wash the pain away.

Those thoughts stole my dreams.

I'm waiting.

I'm tired.

The feeling

is killing.

This was the first song I ever wrote about panic attacks (sudden periods of intense anxiety) and I definitely believe that writing about it has been the best therapy. Still I sought professional help from a psychiatrist who prescribed me several kinds of medication (Xanax, Lysanxia and Serlain) and I attended group therapy sessions where I learned a few valuable lessons about my condition. The most important thing I've learned was that every panic attack has a beginning and an ending. They don't go on forever. 

  After my body had a hard time accepting the medication, it began to work and my days became a little brighter. But the greatest escape was alcohol, which was also the reason I started to have panic attacks in the first place. Scared of being scared, unconfident and disoriented, I walked around like a paranoid. Alcohol was the only thing that kept those feelings away. I was scared to talk to friends and family about my condition because I was afraid of going crazy and I didn't want them to notice. I'm sure nobody meant any harm by asking me what was wrong, but to me that just reminded me that there was something wrong. 

  I had my first in a long series of panic attacks in February 2005. This explains the lines Winter kills all smiles and A gray cloud without rain won't wash the pain away and the title of the song. The line There's white walls all around me explains my constant fear of hospitals ever since my grand-father died in one. When I had my first anxiety attacks, I used to wake up at  night, certain I was having a heart attack and rushed to the hospital on several occasions. I believe that a hospital is a naturally creepy place, even if you go there to seek help. 

  The drinking problem becomes obvious with the line Buy me a drink and I'll be your friend. Like I said before, I got so unconfident and disoriented that I couldn't be around people anymore – even friends and family – but whenever I had a few drinks, I was even  funny again. An older man in my therapy group and everyone with the same condition I met told me the same thing: I'm fine after a few drinks. And so was I, trapped because I developed panic attacks because of my drinking habit and I drank to stop them.

  I still have a few panic attacks today, I still drink a little too much and I still sing this song after more than three years. And it still helps a great deal.

It's really important if you suffer some of the symptoms I've listed below, that you recognize them and seek help before you fall into depression and think you've gone crazy.

Common symptoms of panic attacks:

– pounding heart, rapid heart beat or palpitations

– sweating

– shaking

– chest pain

– choking sensations

– nausea

– numbness of your body

– feeling outside yourself

– shortness of breath

– disorientation

– light-headedness

– dizziness

– fear of going crazy

– hot flushes or chills

– urgently needing to urinate or defecate